Fear

It's been 15 days since I last visited my blog or checked in on bloglovin...

I kept trying to write a post but it came out sounding so ungrateful/selfish/winy that I scrapped the post and another day went by without posting. I have been busy. Life has been chaotic/messy/stressful...I am sure I could come up with a few dozen adjectives but I will stop. And I planned to give you a wonderful recap of life lately... 

But as I was catching up with hundreds of unread blog posts I saw a post that Kym did over at Travel Babbles 18 Things I've Been Too Afraid to Publish Here and the topic really resonated with how I have felt lately.

I have had a blog post sitting in drafts with this quote for weeks...



So without further ado...

18 Things That I Have Been Too Afraid to Publish



If this is what adult life is like I would like a redo, I certainly wouldn't have rushed out of college or gotten that 'big kid' job so quickly if I had known how extremely boring and frustrating it all would be.

I have over $30,000 worth of debt in my name and not a single thing to show for it besides a college diploma and a closet full of clothes I hate most mornings.

I wonder constantly if teaching is the right field for me, I have become extremely jaded about everything in the two and half years I have been doing it. 

I am extremely unhappy about my weight and the way my body looks right now but have zero motivation to step up and fix anything.

I don't think I am at the 'right' school, I can go most days without a single adult saying hi to me or even being that friendly. Perhaps its my own anti-social fault but I have worked in many places and made lots of friends with coworkers in the past.

I often wonder if I should quit blogging or spend more time blogging. I am riding the in between fence of just not having the time for something that isn't going somewhere but needing the release of writing out my thoughts.

Blogging/social media makes me extremely jealous of all the amazing clothes and lives I see posted. I realize we only take pictures of the best part of our lives but I look at those pictures then look at my own life and say 'what the hell am I doing'.

Relationships are hard. There are times I feel like I am not making the Mr. happy or we aren't doing it 'right.' I don't feel like we have enough intimacy, passion or intensity, but really the picture of 'perfect relationships' was painted by Hollywood, so what do I know.

My family and I aren't close. I have zero relationships with my extended family members. My immediate family isn't the close, sharing, supportive, celebratory family that I wish it was sometimes. So I avoid them a lot more than I care to admit.

I need to be told I am pretty, sexy or hot...basically given compliments at least once a day in order to feel better in my own skin. Basically I need a lot of attention.

I sell Advocare products and I have a TPT side that I use for supplemental income but I hate the idea of using my blog to make money or promote myself. BUT I need to do this or get a second job.

I feel like we are 'house' poor because we have a very expensive and large house we rent in Austin but the rental market in Austin sucks so unless we are willing to live in a one bedroom apartment there isn't a ton of cheaper options. Then I feel a whole new wave of guilt because the Mr. pays 2/3 of our bills.

I don't think all students are going to achieve success or can be saved. I write students off eventually. I actually hated a student this semester. I mentioned I am jaded once already.

I don't have a lot of people I trust or I feel like I can confide in, less than a handful.

I am a horrible friend. I only look for friendships when it is convenient for me. But I get incredible depressed when I realize I only have a few girlfriends. I have no clue how to even make friends at this point. Anti-social much?

I didn't buy a single Christmas present this year, I feel guilty about this but truthfully I can't justify adding to my debt more than I already have lately. I am approaching 30, this shouldn't always be a issue.

I tell everyone, and myself, that I don't care about getting married or having kids but I do. I figure if I push it off or say I don't want it, it won't hurt if I don't get it. And I am terrified of ending up like my parents, hating each other and resenting the kids.

I allow things to eat my alive and stress me out to the point of unhappiness, all seventeen of the items listed above will cause me to lay in bed worrying about life rather than sleeping or actually doing something about them.

I was unsure if I could even come up with a list of eighteen, but surprisingly this list came flowing out faster than I could even type out the sentences. Please don't judge me too harshly for the list...its not even noon and I feel I need a drink after that emotional word vomit.

I also promise, I am not depressed, promise...
but I think sometimes with blogging we only show the parts of our lives we are comfortable having other people judge, comment on, read, etc. And this post is simply the other part of my life, the part I keep hidden behind the gifs and stupid selfies.

Don't worry they will be back in full force Monday.

- The Babbling Box!