It's been 15 days since I last visited my blog or checked in on bloglovin...

I kept trying to write a post but it came out sounding so ungrateful/selfish/winy that I scrapped the post and another day went by without posting. I have been busy. Life has been chaotic/messy/stressful...I am sure I could come up with a few dozen adjectives but I will stop. And I planned to give you a wonderful recap of life lately... 

But as I was catching up with hundreds of unread blog posts I saw a post that Kym did over at Travel Babbles 18 Things I've Been Too Afraid to Publish Here and the topic really resonated with how I have felt lately.

I have had a blog post sitting in drafts with this quote for weeks...

So without further ado...

18 Things That I Have Been Too Afraid to Publish

If this is what adult life is like I would like a redo, I certainly wouldn't have rushed out of college or gotten that 'big kid' job so quickly if I had known how extremely boring and frustrating it all would be.

I have over $30,000 worth of debt in my name and not a single thing to show for it besides a college diploma and a closet full of clothes I hate most mornings.

I wonder constantly if teaching is the right field for me, I have become extremely jaded about everything in the two and half years I have been doing it. 

I am extremely unhappy about my weight and the way my body looks right now but have zero motivation to step up and fix anything.

I don't think I am at the 'right' school, I can go most days without a single adult saying hi to me or even being that friendly. Perhaps its my own anti-social fault but I have worked in many places and made lots of friends with coworkers in the past.

I often wonder if I should quit blogging or spend more time blogging. I am riding the in between fence of just not having the time for something that isn't going somewhere but needing the release of writing out my thoughts.

Blogging/social media makes me extremely jealous of all the amazing clothes and lives I see posted. I realize we only take pictures of the best part of our lives but I look at those pictures then look at my own life and say 'what the hell am I doing'.

Relationships are hard. There are times I feel like I am not making the Mr. happy or we aren't doing it 'right.' I don't feel like we have enough intimacy, passion or intensity, but really the picture of 'perfect relationships' was painted by Hollywood, so what do I know.

My family and I aren't close. I have zero relationships with my extended family members. My immediate family isn't the close, sharing, supportive, celebratory family that I wish it was sometimes. So I avoid them a lot more than I care to admit.

I need to be told I am pretty, sexy or hot...basically given compliments at least once a day in order to feel better in my own skin. Basically I need a lot of attention.

I sell Advocare products and I have a TPT side that I use for supplemental income but I hate the idea of using my blog to make money or promote myself. BUT I need to do this or get a second job.

I feel like we are 'house' poor because we have a very expensive and large house we rent in Austin but the rental market in Austin sucks so unless we are willing to live in a one bedroom apartment there isn't a ton of cheaper options. Then I feel a whole new wave of guilt because the Mr. pays 2/3 of our bills.

I don't think all students are going to achieve success or can be saved. I write students off eventually. I actually hated a student this semester. I mentioned I am jaded once already.

I don't have a lot of people I trust or I feel like I can confide in, less than a handful.

I am a horrible friend. I only look for friendships when it is convenient for me. But I get incredible depressed when I realize I only have a few girlfriends. I have no clue how to even make friends at this point. Anti-social much?

I didn't buy a single Christmas present this year, I feel guilty about this but truthfully I can't justify adding to my debt more than I already have lately. I am approaching 30, this shouldn't always be a issue.

I tell everyone, and myself, that I don't care about getting married or having kids but I do. I figure if I push it off or say I don't want it, it won't hurt if I don't get it. And I am terrified of ending up like my parents, hating each other and resenting the kids.

I allow things to eat my alive and stress me out to the point of unhappiness, all seventeen of the items listed above will cause me to lay in bed worrying about life rather than sleeping or actually doing something about them.

I was unsure if I could even come up with a list of eighteen, but surprisingly this list came flowing out faster than I could even type out the sentences. Please don't judge me too harshly for the list...its not even noon and I feel I need a drink after that emotional word vomit.

I also promise, I am not depressed, promise...
but I think sometimes with blogging we only show the parts of our lives we are comfortable having other people judge, comment on, read, etc. And this post is simply the other part of my life, the part I keep hidden behind the gifs and stupid selfies.

Don't worry they will be back in full force Monday.

- The Babbling Box!


  1. I hope getting it out all has been therapeutic in some way. We all have those thoughts and feelings that are just too scary to admit, never mind confront. Sending hugs!

  2. I think you are very courageous to post this list. I found myself nodding my head along with you for quite a few of them. I hope that giving validity to the thoughts through this post will be the first step toward the healing process.

  3. What I think you should know is that there is nothing on your list, in my humble opinion, that's not completely NORMAL! I can relate to many of the things you mentioned, and I think you're incredibly brave and honest to be able to put them in writing for strangers to see.

    And for what it's worth, I REALLY like your blog, so I hope you keep writing. Even if it's just used as an outlet for you... I guess I enjoy being a voyeur in your life! :)

  4. Well I think it's incredibly brave of you to bare your soul like this on your blog. I wouldn't be able to do it. I think that a lot of the things that you are afraid of, are a lot of fears we all have. We're just too afraid to write them out raw, like this..
    You're not alone though. I feel the same about friends, about work.. We all have our own fears about our relationships. It is never easy. I think you should read over your fears and try to find a few solutions to a few of your fears.. Whether it be trying harder to make friends by committing to do more with the friends that you do have, or to really making yourself follow through with a workout routine that works for you..! I think this was a great post- very real.

  5. I absolutely love how honest you are.
    I quit facebook this year because I think people are so fake on it and I was sick of seeing things like "I love my husband" or "My kids are the best" whatever! stop typing and just tell them.

    I blog because I need a outlet for how hard my job is. Middle school is hard!

    I for one, enjoy your blog and get a kick out of your non traditional style.

    My first year at my current school was awful. I went 4 months with no one knowing I had cancer and had it removed over the holiday break. The only reason I shared afterward is because I had a huge scar across my neck I had to explain. There were no relationships what so ever. It was miserable.

    You are brave to write all of that. I hope it was therapeutic for you. I hope to hear from you more in 2014 and I hope you keep it real!

    Hodges Herald

  6. I love you because you are real. I love you because you are honest. I love you because you make me laugh. If you stop blogging I'm going to be extremely pissed off at you. Do you hear me??? I will steal all of the bacon in Texas if I have to. Now you know I'm serious!

  7. Whew! I'm glad I'm not the only one who is dealing with some of the same things. I love the quote "keep your head up, keep your heart strong. " that's what will help us overcome these feelings and situations. Have a fantastic new year!

    Michelle Bingham

  8. I cannot believe as I got further and further into this post how much of your fears and your life right now is exactly like mine. I feel like your words were mine in how I feel about almost everything in my life. It is actually quite refreshing to know that someone else is feeling the same way and in a way it makes me feel like it is okay. One of the reasons I started reading your blog was because I was a teacher as well, but what really grabbed me is as I kept reading your posts over time I felt like I was the one writing. You are slowly inspiring me to blog myself and if my thoughts and opinions can influence you to keep going please do! The things that you write about help me laugh, cry, and think about all the things I need to at this point in my life. I have to say if you lived closer to me I think we'd be instant friends. We are so much alike it is scary and I love that you are so open and honest! Thank you for posting this and please continue to do so!